Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part III: The Finality

Feelings on Hysterectomy at 30 years old. Endometriosis and Adenomyosis Mom
Hysterectomy Mom Endometriosis Adenomyosisi

This will be how this chapter on a hysterectomy closes. I’ve chronicled enough emotions and it needs to be put to bed for now.

“It will pass. I promise”  and the yellow heart. Yellow, the official color of Endometriosis. I posted a photo on Instagram related to Part II of this story, if you haven’t already, read from the beginning —->Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part I: An Agonizing End To Torment & Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part II: These Scars Tell A Story Of Suffering.

This beautiful soul posted a comment on my Instagram photo. She had her hysterectomy in her 20’s and wasn’t able to carry children before. I connected with her instantly. I felt her pain in my heart. I can’t imagine wanting so badly to feel life in my womb and having that opportunity ripped away because of disease and decay. I felt like she understood exactly how I was feeling, which honestly has been rare. I haven’t been able to describe my feelings to anyone because for some reason, I can’t seem to process them myself. I haven’t connected with anyone else who has Endometriosis, not even other mama’s, who feel the way I feel about having my body changed.

But, she did. I jumped on my perhaps one and only chance to have someone help me understand. I just wanted to understand and be able to explain to myself.

“It feels strange…..Did you feel that way?”

Who could help explain someone else’s feelings from this statement?! I mean really, it was ridiculous when I read it but I sent it anyway, I needed to try.

“I did. I sometimes still do. ….Something that really stuck out for me right after surgery was that I kept trying to tell myself that the surgery was to improve my quality of life, but I had intrusive thoughts that I was somewhat less than what I used to be. Looking back, I know it was just shock and some depression….but back then, it felt so real. Like my womanhood was taken from me.”

Tears flooded my eyes. It was instant, my heart lifted and my brain cleared and I felt a chasm open. My emotions poured out like a damn had broken somewhere inside of me. Finally, someone! Someone who understands, who feels the way I feel, who knows what I am going through and has come out the other side strong. Thank you, M.

It’s a finality.

A few years ago a woman I know had a hysterectomy and I asked her if she felt like less of a woman. Her reply, of course, was no. I wondered at that time, why do I feel when my time comes that’s what I’ll feel. She responded that she knew her uterus had nothing to do with her being a woman. But to me it truly does. It has lots to do with being a woman. It is the only thing a woman needs to carry a child. You can take hormones and have the fertilized egg inserted, but with no uterus, you can never have the blessing of carrying your child inside of you. It’s one of the few gifts that women are born with. One of the only things you cannot have “re-modeled” by a surgeon and functioning again. Once it’s gone, there’s no going back.

It’s an abrupt and irreversible ending.

This dear woman on Instagram helped me process all of this. She did something no one else could. My mom says I’ll get used to having no periods really quick, my friend’s mom says it will be a luxury soon. I hope that’s how I will feel, but right now, it just makes me feel inadequate.

I just feel less.

That makes perfect sense to me. I’m grateful for the improvement in my quality of life that this will provide, but plagued by my emotions. So, that is why this topic will be going to rest again. It is emotionally exhausting to write about.

Please remember next month is Endometriosis awareness month, specifically on the 10th of March. Wear yellow so more woman can have a fighting chance at keeping their fertility.

T, xx




24 thoughts on “Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part III: The Finality

  1. Your posts made me cry. Thank you for sharing!!! . I found you through Pinterest. Last year, after 15 years of talking to doctors about my period issues and 25 years (this makes me sound so old- I started my period around 12) of always had horrible, heavy, painful periods, I finally got diagnosed with stage four endometriosis.

    Monday, my doctor suggested a hysterectomy. I am 37. I’ve had four children, now 14-21. I survived a horrible marriage that thankfully ended in divorce and I’m happily remarried. I don’t necessarily want more kids but I’m heart broken at this finality. I’m scared. I don’t want to do it. I also don’t want to be pain anymore. I feel so broken. I feel like I’ll be less of a woman after a hysterectomy. I know it’s not true but I feel like it. My periods are so awful but my emotions are so mixed. I see your posts are from a year ago, how are you now?!?

    Thank you for sharing. It really helped me.

    1. Hello M,
      I just read your comment and I really relate to your story. I am also 37 and am awaiting the phone call to give me my hyst date. I have two beautiful daughters biologically and one by marriage(13, 10, and 3), and I feel so blessed to have them. My husband had a vasectomy after the birth of our youngest and we have never doubted that decision but I am STILL emotional over the hysterectomy. I have a strange love/hate relationship with myself since I have had horrific pain with my periods since my first one at age 13, but I was also able to grow and birth my two beautiful babies. I have never been so proud of myself as I was after the births of my girls. I want to be pain free to love life to the fullest, but this is such a sacrifice.

  2. Hello! I sadly had to have a hysterectomy when my 2nd son was 5 weeks old due to complications post Labor with placenta accredia. I also have endometriosis and always wonder if the two were related. I think because I had a baby to take care of I never dealt with any of the emotions surrounding my surgery. I am over a year and a half post surgery and have been feeling so many emotions lately! I feel blessed to have to heathlty kids but I just get overwhelmed with emotions, I can’t even describe. I truly appreciate finding a handful of stories of other young women who have experienced the same thing. And seriously for women to say it must be so great to never have a period again…they will just never understand!

    1. Thanks for commenting your story! They are hard emotions to go through and process and it’s so much easier when you have a community!

  3. I had a complete hysterectomy at the age of 28. I too had Endometriosis. My endo came on very suddenly and it got to the point I had problems getting out of bed, walking, or even standing for long periods of time. It was attached to everything and I had severe back pain.

    I am blessed to have one child but I always dreamed of having more. It was just not in the master plan. I did not make a rash decision about having surgery. I prayed about it and decided it was the best thing for me.

    I am now almost 10 years post surgery. Yes at first I cried at every commercial, movie, etc that contained anything to do with pregnancy or babies. I remember watching Baby Momma which is supposed to be a funny movie, I sobbed during it all.

    It does get better, I promise. It takes months to start to feel like yourself again. I do still feel like a woman, a strong woman who has overcame. I cannot imagine still suffering with Endo. My pain is gone and I give all the glory to God. I had been taking the smallest dose of hormone replacement pills but I currently am not taking anything. I feel great.

    1. Thank you for sharing your positive story! It’s nice to hear from someone who has made it through and can say it turns out okay. I’m starting to feel like who I used to be most days

  4. I had an emergency hysterectomy 2 years ago at 26. Thank you for sharing your story, I went through the same emotions and felt so isolated when I first got the surgery. It helps to find women who understand ❤

    1. I’m so glad you found it helpful. I agree, finding a community of women in my age group who have been through it and understand has helped so much!

  5. I also have been suffering with endo. My doctor gave me the option of laparoscopy to try to remove it, but also told me to think about a hysterectomy. I thankfully do not need to go that route yet, but I felt all the same emotions while considering the future. So sorry for you pain and loss, but you are not alone. Reading your post helped me with my own emotional struggle.

    1. So sorry to hear about your struggle with endo. I’m so glad these posts have helped so many women, it really makes me feel as though my pain was for something!

  6. This was so informative, I couldn’t even begin the imagine what you are going through. It’s gotta be so though dealing with your new normal

    1. Thank you Tola. It’s definitely a tough situation to deal with. But when it’s the only option your forced to figure it out. Thank you for reading.

  7. It’s too late for me to be crying man?. Beautifully written Tif. I remember you telling me you were having it done and I had no clue what to say to you. I appreciate you letting us see things from your point of view.

    1. Awe thank you. ? it’s hard to know what to say. It’s hard for me to even navigate the feelings ??‍♀️ ?. Thanks for reading it.

    1. Thank you! I’m sorry to hear about your friend, I hope this can help you support her or help her navigate her feelings if she’s lost. Thanks for reading ❤️

  8. Oh T, I can relate to everything you’ve said!!! I have loved all three parts of your story and it’s like every single word you’ve written came straight out of my own mind. As you know, I had a hysterectomy in October and I feel like I’m STILL grieving over the loss of it. Unfortunately I didn’t have any time to prepare for it and when I woke up after surgery was blindsided by the fact that my uterus was gone! There are some days when I forget it’s not there but then when I remember, my heart breaks all over again. While I don’t feel empty physically, I feel it in every other way… And no matter how often I try to focus on the positives – no more pain, no more periods, no more birth control – I think I will always feel like less of a woman without my uterus. Sending you so much love and positive vibes for a smooth recovery! xoxo

    1. Awe Vanessa I’m so glad you relate. It was really hard to try and put words to those feelings so knowing I’ve other women even just a little makes it worth it. What I said there is true though, my reader told me it does get better, and it does pass. So you have that to look forward too. She also said it’s common for your ovaries to shutdown for six months or so post op and menopause to start, but than they usually recover and start working again. Some good info that I didn’t know about. Thanks for coming with me on this journey girl ??.

    1. I’m sorry to hear that. Hopefully you won’t get to that point. I really have had a hard time just processing it. Nice to meet another Endo sister though ??. Thanks for reading ?

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