This will be how this chapter on a hysterectomy closes. I’ve chronicled enough emotions and it needs to be put to bed for now.
“It will pass. I promise” and the yellow heart. Yellow, the official color of Endometriosis. I posted a photo on Instagram related to Part II of this story, if you haven’t already, read from the beginning —->Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part I: An Agonizing End To Torment & Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part II: These Scars Tell A Story Of Suffering.
This beautiful soul posted a comment on my Instagram photo. She had her hysterectomy in her 20’s and wasn’t able to carry children before. I connected with her instantly. I felt her pain in my heart. I can’t imagine wanting so badly to feel life in my womb and having that opportunity ripped away because of disease and decay. I felt like she understood exactly how I was feeling, which honestly has been rare. I haven’t been able to describe my feelings to anyone because for some reason, I can’t seem to process them myself. I haven’t connected with anyone else who has Endometriosis, not even other mama’s, who feel the way I feel about having my body changed.
But, she did. I jumped on my perhaps one and only chance to have someone help me understand. I just wanted to understand and be able to explain to myself.
“It feels strange…..Did you feel that way?”
Who could help explain someone else’s feelings from this statement?! I mean really, it was ridiculous when I read it but I sent it anyway, I needed to try.
“I did. I sometimes still do. ….Something that really stuck out for me right after surgery was that I kept trying to tell myself that the surgery was to improve my quality of life, but I had intrusive thoughts that I was somewhat less than what I used to be. Looking back, I know it was just shock and some depression….but back then, it felt so real. Like my womanhood was taken from me.”
Tears flooded my eyes. It was instant, my heart lifted and my brain cleared and I felt a chasm open. My emotions poured out like a damn had broken somewhere inside of me. Finally, someone! Someone who understands, who feels the way I feel, who knows what I am going through and has come out the other side strong. Thank you, M.
It’s a finality.
A few years ago a woman I know had a hysterectomy and I asked her if she felt like less of a woman. Her reply, of course, was no. I wondered at that time, why do I feel when my time comes that’s what I’ll feel. She responded that she knew her uterus had nothing to do with her being a woman. But to me it truly does. It has lots to do with being a woman. It is the only thing a woman needs to carry a child. You can take hormones and have the fertilized egg inserted, but with no uterus, you can never have the blessing of carrying your child inside of you. It’s one of the few gifts that women are born with. One of the only things you cannot have “re-modeled” by a surgeon and functioning again. Once it’s gone, there’s no going back.
It’s an abrupt and irreversible ending.
This dear woman on Instagram helped me process all of this. She did something no one else could. My mom says I’ll get used to having no periods really quick, my friend’s mom says it will be a luxury soon. I hope that’s how I will feel, but right now, it just makes me feel inadequate.
I just feel less.
That makes perfect sense to me. I’m grateful for the improvement in my quality of life that this will provide, but plagued by my emotions. So, that is why this topic will be going to rest again. It is emotionally exhausting to write about.
Please remember next month is Endometriosis awareness month, specifically on the 10th of March. Wear yellow so more woman can have a fighting chance at keeping their fertility.