Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part I: An Agonizing End To Torment

Hysterectomy 30's Endometriosis
Hysterectomy 30 Endometriosis Hysterectomy 30's With Kids Feelings

It Begins

Tommorrow we leave for Calgary. We will travel 5 hours in the car so that I can have a hysterectomy by one of the best gynecological surgeons in Canada. I’m grateful to have a skilled and experienced surgeon for my difficult case. I find myself wishing there were other options though.

Maybe lots of you reading this are in your thirties too. Perhaps you’re thinking, “great, no more periods!” I thought that too once upon a time, but now it’s different. I found myself crying on the weekend after seeing two VERY pregnant women at the store. All I could think was how my body will never again house the miracle of life. It’s heartwrenching for me to think of that. It didn’t feel that way until a few days ago though. I suppose the reality of it all hit me like a brick in the face. While I know I’m too ill to care for another child, and even if I wanted one it’s impossible, a hysterectomy is so final.

Choices

It’s unjust that I really wasn’t left a choice in the matter. It’s just the stage my body is at with Endometriosis. It makes perfect sense, I can’t have any more children, and my uterus is causing too many problems to justify keeping it. Yet something inside me is attached to it, something besides my bowel! HA!

If I didn’t insert some comic relief this post wouldn’t get finished.

I don’t know what it is making me so emotional, maybe it’s just an emotional journey. At the start of my journey, I wanted nothing more than a hysterectomy. But, then I was informed my journey of pain would still keep going even after the surgery. Lovely. Sometimes I wish Doctors were allowed to lie to you. I’m not looking forward to whatever else will need to happen after this. One step at a time.

Fear

There’s this horrible fear attached to my heart. Fear of not seeing my children again. I’m sure that’s a normal fear to have for any mother who is going into major surgery. I really shouldn’t let it take me over, but I do. It helps me to really soak up my time with them paying special attention to every tiny and enormous miracle they perform on a daily basis. They truly are my greatest accomplishment. It’s nice to reflect on that, but the reason why is most definitely a bitter one.

I fear the healing process. My last surgery, the healing did not go so well. I actually had a mental breakdown and shaved the side of my head. Now, just a short year later, I go for another surgery, by a much more knowledgeable surgeon. In a city far from my home, far from my children who simply require to much care to be able to come with us. I am dreading riding home in the car for five hours three days post-op.

That Sadness

I could be the only thirty-something woman who feels so sad about losing her uterus, but I doubt it. My body will be entirely different after. My skin will only show faded scars in a few months. But inside my body will have lost the only thing that ever had life in it. The shelter that contained, protected and grew my beautiful children. There is a high rate of depression after a hysterectomy, even in women who keep their ovaries. I suspect this is why. It really is part of who you are. While I’m looking forward to not having periods, I also am struggling with feeling like less of a woman without them. I know that has NOTHING to do with being a woman, but it’s what turns most of us from child to woman. It feels like I’m moving from some stage I should be staying in.

Well, I have to pack. I’ll post part II at some point next week perhaps. Until then, you can see more details of my journey go down on Instagram @coinsandbabble. I’ll be documenting the WHOLE thing there!

Have you had a hyster in your 30’s? Was it as bad as my ridiculous mind has made it out to be? Were you emotional beforehand?

T, xx

4 thoughts on “Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part I: An Agonizing End To Torment

  1. I’m 31 my hysterectomy is 9 days before my 32 birthday. One week tell the big day. I was so freaked out I put it off a whole year and wanted nothing to do with my OB office. Long story short it was a year of hell pain weakness and hair falling out lots of blood lost. Last straw was ending up in the ER from to much blood lost. 3 days after my OB said it’s coming out in 2 weeks they had to bulid my blood count up.. ready to have it out sets it’s trying to kill me.. but scary to leave my children and that what if.. On plus side I get a whole week with my 8 year set he’s on spring break. Don’t even care if it’s bugging him. How do I get go of control and let my husband take over when I hear my 2 year old crying for me ..

    1. Oh girl, I can’t imagine what that year was like for you! Glad they’re building your blood count up, sounds like you have good Dr’s. I really felt like mine was trying to kill me too ?.
      Leaving your kids is the worst part! But really it’s a surgery that is done SO often, I thought about the fact that my obgyn surgeon literally did hysters for a living! That made me feel a bit better. When I got mine done my youngest was four and she’s high functioning Autistic. I didn’t want to listen to her and my husband fight so I had my best friend come over and help since she does things the way I like. That made it a lot easier! I also told my husband my concerns before surgery so he could try to have patience and keep the kids more occupied than usual. If your two year old isn’t to rowdy it might be okay to let him/her lay in bed with you and watch some Netflix. It’s hard to relinquish control but you have to do your best. If you have a friend or sister who is willing to help with your little one I def recommend that, it made a world of difference for me. I hope your hyster goes smooth, I’ll be thinking about you. Try and relax and think about the fact that you will feel SO much better after. It’s hard emotionally but trust me it’s worth it and it will get better.
      If you need to talk I’m always here ?.
      T

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