Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part I: An Agonizing End To Torment

Hysterectomy 30's Endometriosis
Hysterectomy 30 Endometriosis Hysterectomy 30's With Kids Feelings

It Begins

Tommorrow we leave for Calgary. We will travel 5 hours in the car so that I can have a hysterectomy by one of the best gynecological surgeons in Canada. I’m grateful to have a skilled and experienced surgeon for my difficult case. I find myself wishing there were other options though.

Maybe lots of you reading this are in your thirties too. Perhaps you’re thinking, “great, no more periods!” I thought that too once upon a time, but now it’s different. I found myself crying on the weekend after seeing two VERY pregnant women at the store. All I could think was how my body will never again house the miracle of life. It’s heartwrenching for me to think of that. It didn’t feel that way until a few days ago though. I suppose the reality of it all hit me like a brick in the face. While I know I’m too ill to care for another child, and even if I wanted one it’s impossible, a hysterectomy is so final.

Choices

It’s unjust that I really wasn’t left a choice in the matter. It’s just the stage my body is at with Endometriosis. It makes perfect sense, I can’t have any more children, and my uterus is causing too many problems to justify keeping it. Yet something inside me is attached to it, something besides my bowel! HA!

If I didn’t insert some comic relief this post wouldn’t get finished.

I don’t know what it is making me so emotional, maybe it’s just an emotional journey. At the start of my journey, I wanted nothing more than a hysterectomy. But, then I was informed my journey of pain would still keep going even after the surgery. Lovely. Sometimes I wish Doctors were allowed to lie to you. I’m not looking forward to whatever else will need to happen after this. One step at a time.

Fear

There’s this horrible fear attached to my heart. Fear of not seeing my children again. I’m sure that’s a normal fear to have for any mother who is going into major surgery. I really shouldn’t let it take me over, but I do. It helps me to really soak up my time with them paying special attention to every tiny and enormous miracle they perform on a daily basis. They truly are my greatest accomplishment. It’s nice to reflect on that, but the reason why is most definitely a bitter one.

I fear the healing process. My last surgery, the healing did not go so well. I actually had a mental breakdown and shaved the side of my head. Now, just a short year later, I go for another surgery, by a much more knowledgeable surgeon. In a city far from my home, far from my children who simply require to much care to be able to come with us. I am dreading riding home in the car for five hours three days post-op.

That Sadness

I could be the only thirty-something woman who feels so sad about losing her uterus, but I doubt it. My body will be entirely different after. My skin will only show faded scars in a few months. But inside my body will have lost the only thing that ever had life in it. The shelter that contained, protected and grew my beautiful children. There is a high rate of depression after a hysterectomy, even in women who keep their ovaries. I suspect this is why. It really is part of who you are. While I’m looking forward to not having periods, I also am struggling with feeling like less of a woman without them. I know that has NOTHING to do with being a woman, but it’s what turns most of us from child to woman. It feels like I’m moving from some stage I should be staying in.

Well, I have to pack. I’ll post part II at some point next week perhaps. Until then, you can see more details of my journey go down on Instagram @coinsandbabble. I’ll be documenting the WHOLE thing there!

Have you had a hyster in your 30’s? Was it as bad as my ridiculous mind has made it out to be? Were you emotional beforehand?

T, xx

9 thoughts on “Hysterectomy In Your 30’s Part I: An Agonizing End To Torment

  1. Hiya, I am 34 and have stage 4 Endo (diagnosed at 17) I lost a baby 16 years ago, and since have been unable to conceive. I also have a bicornuate uterus, had cervical cancer at 19, Graves’ disease and Microcytic Anaemia. I have had my Thyroid out due to Graves, also my appendix, adenoids and tonsils are gone. My last laparoscopy was in April, I had Endo everywhere again and my bowel, bladder, tubes, left ovary, pelvic wall and uterus were all stuck together. The Endo was removed as well as a cyst off my right ovary. They also did a hysterscopy to take biopsy’s from a large growth (was once a fibroid) that takes up the entire left side of my bicornuate uterus. It was too large to remove via laparoscopy.

    After my surgery the symptoms of my Graves’ disease got insanely bad. I lost 12kgs in less than 3 weeks, my body was shutting down, my skin was horrible, I couldn’t leave the house due to extreme anxiety, I got sores that wouldn’t heal and lost so much hair. It’s been about 2 mths now since the Lap and I’m doinf much better, weight going back on and skin is getting better daily.

    I am booked in for a hysterectomy on the 3rd of August, leaving my ovaries. I had a complete mental breakdown 2 days ago. I got to the point getting all my pain medication and a bottle of red wine…….my head wouldn’t and didn’t stop. My partner Aaron came into our room sat next to me, then held me. I bawled. I felt so alone and isolated. I was so so so angry and confused. I understand why this is being done and don’t get me wrong it needs to happen due my health getting worse! But I couldn’t stop thinking that once this is done I won’t be whole, I won’t feel like a real woman, will I still want to be intimate with my partner? What is he wants another child in the future? I’ll never have a baby? What will my mental state be like? Why am I so broken? How can one person have 10 organs removed? I’m only 34? How long will it be before we can be intimate? What will my weigh do? Will I grow a beard?

    I felt so much better after the release but I am still absolutely terrified. I also have decided to get my ovaries removed too. Due to Endo reoccurring on one ovary and the other has reoccurring cysts plus my blood work indicates cancer. Now I’m unsure if it’s the right thing…….

    My partner is the best support person anyone could wish for and I hate seeing the sadden in his eyes from this disease.

    I read your blog last night and then read it to my partner. Thank you fo making me feel like I’ve completely lost control of my brain. Can u plz give me some advice on things to do, things that u experienced but werent expected, tips on how to be comfortable etc even any advice for aaron to help him during this chapter of our life.

    Thank you again and much love 💕

    1. Hi Ali, I’m so sorry to hear of your struggles. Sometimes it just feels like everything goes wrong with our body way to early. Shortly after me hyster I got diagnosed with Lupus. Did getting your thyroid out help with your graves? I know some people still need to be on medication to treat it after so was just curious.

      I’m not a medical expert so find a really good gynaecological surgeon that you trust and definitely take their medical advice. But women to woman, it sounds like you really need support! I was all for keeping my ovaries for obvious reasons. I have one friend who had to have one removed and the other put out enough hormones to keep her from hrt.

      1. Dang I hit the reply button by accident before I was done lol. Sorry.
        Anyway, my best friend is going in for a hyster the end of July. She also has a problem with cysts reoccurring and I believe she also is keeping her ovaries, you can follow and chat with her on IG if you want, she has some really great content on Endo and being chronically ill in general! @warriormomx52018 I know she’d also be happy to help you in any way she could.
        As far as things to do, try to focus on other things. It sounds like you have an amazing man by your side!!! Are you artistic or have any hobbies?? I found a great release in art. It’s really helpful to be around other women who have gone through and are going through the same thing as you. I’m lucky enough to have some in my life physically, but I also have tons on social media. I found it really helpful to just know I wasn’t alone. I would make sure you have a plan for hrt if you think getting your ovaries removed is best for you. It’s a shock to the system I’ve heard. I think as long as you have hormones you will want to be intimate. It might take a little while so I would prepare your S/O for that. Make sure your talking to a specialist you trust! The best thing I did was see an Endo specialist.
        The release of pain I felt from my hysterectomy was one of the greatest burdens I ever had lifted off of me. I felt chained down physically and emotionally and after my hysterectomy that feeling was just gone. You’ve read my posts on my struggle emotionally and I think most women go through something similar.
        If your getting an abdominal hyster the incision is the worst! So prepare for that. I have a post on things to do to help with after surgery http://coinsandbabble.com/2017/08/22/ts-tips-tricks-for-laparoscopysalpingectomy/ the second part might be helpful. Just being prepared physically helped me a little mite emotionally. Also, hystersisters.com is a really great resource! You can put in your hysterectomy date and chat with all kinds of women who are going in the same week as you. I loved that because we were all healing from the same wound. There is also a support group on there for men somewhere called hyster misters. My husband never read it but it could help Aaron.
        I know this is ridiculously long so I hope I’m not rambling! I didn’t have much I wasn’t expecting except for how strong that emotional pain was. That was by far the hardest part for me. If you have an abdominal incision that will closely compare though. They are the worst! Learn the technique to roll and push with your arm to get out of bed, it’s a must! Healing takes time. You’ll heal from this and so will your brain and emotions but give it time. It’s always going to hurt when you see a baby, but adoption is always an option too! You fall in love with them just as much as you would your own physical child. Sometimes we have to adjust our plans in life and it sucks. It’s really hard as an adult to realize the life you planned for, the life most other people get, isn’t your life. If your religious there are some really great scriptures that can help. Feel free to email or PM me and I can send some your way. Also, if you ever just need to talk to someone because sometimes to you just can’t take it, I’m totally here. I found myself on the bathroom floor unable to cope too. We all get to a breaking point and it sucks when we find out what it is. I’m really glad you found my blog and found it helpful. I have been so happy to find so many other women who feel and felt the same as me. It’s nice to just know your not alone. I kind of suck at checking my email regularly so PM me on my Facebook page or IG page, they’re both @coinsandbabble . I’d love to talk more with you and help support you on your journey! 😘. Feeling a sisterhood already,
        T

  2. It’s a week before my surgery. It’s 3 am and I’m having one of my sleepless nights researching post-hysterectomy tips and dieting tips. I run across your blog post and I can’t help but to leave a comment! I am 35 and I have a 5-year-old son. I have Stage 4 Endometriosis. The disease has spread and has attached to my colon and rectum. Back in January, I had the worst experience ever. I bled so much to the point that I need a total of 3 pints of blood. My OBGYN told me that part of the Endo that is attached to my colon had ruptured and I started hemorrhaging. Since January, it has never healed nor recovered and I’m fully satisfied with my decision to get a hysterectomy at the age of 35. Yes, most women would have feelings and thoughts about not having the ability to have kids, but at this point, my health is way more important than bringing another child into this world and I’m still in the worst conditions. God has blessed me with a beautiful and supportive little boy and the quality of life is what I’m searching for at this point in my life. I hope your journey was and is a smooth journey. Thank you for sharing.

    1. Thank you for reading, I’m so sorry to hear about your condition and what it’s done to you. It gets to a point where quality of life and decent health is all you want. While I still have feelings of strong emotion some days, overall I’m so glad I got the hysterectomy. I still have to rest often but my pain is so much better and I can do so much more. It has improved my life so much and I hope it does the same for you!

  3. I’m 31 my hysterectomy is 9 days before my 32 birthday. One week tell the big day. I was so freaked out I put it off a whole year and wanted nothing to do with my OB office. Long story short it was a year of hell pain weakness and hair falling out lots of blood lost. Last straw was ending up in the ER from to much blood lost. 3 days after my OB said it’s coming out in 2 weeks they had to bulid my blood count up.. ready to have it out sets it’s trying to kill me.. but scary to leave my children and that what if.. On plus side I get a whole week with my 8 year set he’s on spring break. Don’t even care if it’s bugging him. How do I get go of control and let my husband take over when I hear my 2 year old crying for me ..

    1. Oh girl, I can’t imagine what that year was like for you! Glad they’re building your blood count up, sounds like you have good Dr’s. I really felt like mine was trying to kill me too ?.
      Leaving your kids is the worst part! But really it’s a surgery that is done SO often, I thought about the fact that my obgyn surgeon literally did hysters for a living! That made me feel a bit better. When I got mine done my youngest was four and she’s high functioning Autistic. I didn’t want to listen to her and my husband fight so I had my best friend come over and help since she does things the way I like. That made it a lot easier! I also told my husband my concerns before surgery so he could try to have patience and keep the kids more occupied than usual. If your two year old isn’t to rowdy it might be okay to let him/her lay in bed with you and watch some Netflix. It’s hard to relinquish control but you have to do your best. If you have a friend or sister who is willing to help with your little one I def recommend that, it made a world of difference for me. I hope your hyster goes smooth, I’ll be thinking about you. Try and relax and think about the fact that you will feel SO much better after. It’s hard emotionally but trust me it’s worth it and it will get better.
      If you need to talk I’m always here ?.
      T

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