Sometimes We Just Aren’t Enough

Autism Motherhood

Mom Guilt

Mom Guilt Feelings

Mom Guilt Special Needs

As mother’s we all feel inadequate at times. It’s no surprise. After all, no child comes into this world with a manual specific to them.  There’s no chapter to read each week to help you through the moments your finding difficult to navigate. It doesn’t matter how much you prepare before their birth, or how much you don’t. If you have no children or 10, each child makes you feel inadequate at some point.

I can’t navigate the waters with my Little Miss Psychopath. Every day it’s a new problem, a new fight, a new bad experience. It’s like living in a hell sometimes. I desperately want life to be more enjoyable for her. I want her to just once, have a good experience and feel like it was a good experience afterward. But it just can’t happen.

I’m slowly coming to the realization of how severe her disability is. Just the same as I was with my first disabled child, you’d think I’d have learned something from my experiences with him. But it all just seemed to be shoved into me and then buried deep within somewhere. Somewhere I’ll never find and be able to use it. I think I can do it, I think I can be sick and parent my two disabled children while also parenting my typical child and keeping up with my responsibilities. But, in actuality, I cannot. It’s most likely impossible for just one mother to do all this, or maybe just impossible for this mother. Every day I feel myself slipping further and further into my dreamland. Into that place that is definitely not reality. That place where I just don’t pay attention to what’s missing because then I won’t feel anything about it. I don’t want to face it, I don’t want to feel it. So it goes to the place no one can find and is buried somewhere deep within me, useless to anyone and everyone.

My Heart Breaks

I see her tear stained cheeks and the terror and pain in her eyes every single day.  Yet, I am helpless to change it. I cannot take her pain away and my embrace only goes so far. I simply am inadequate. This makes me feel like an unfit mother to this poor girl. Her terror for new experiences and her frustration over not understanding consumes her. It becomes all that she is in those moments. It makes it so hard to see her day after day, month after month. All I focused on for so long was her progress that I didn’t notice her failures anymore. Until those failures became so pronounced you couldn’t ignore them.

I hoped I would be different by now, that by now I knew and expected with progress comes great failures. That no one can achieve progress without failing. But, I just keep setting myself up for the same feelings. I feel like I am the one failing right along with her. If only I could progress as a special needs mother. Yes, I’ve progressed, just not to the standard I’ve held to myself. It just feels as though I am not enough.

T…

20 thoughts on “Sometimes We Just Aren’t Enough

  1. Thank you for sharing your post. I never ever leave any comments but I am this time. You and so many like myself are doing the best we can. We always wish we could do more for our special needs children. It’s tiring yes, exhausting to say the least. We keep on doing this day in, day out for our babies. No matter how old they get. I wish you the best for 2018 for you and your family. They are our little treasures for a reason ?. Keep being the best mom you can be. You will always find the strength within you. Bless you all.

    1. Thank you so much Crystal. This is the sweetest comment. I love that other special needs moms have found and read this post and relate to it!

  2. Your doing the best you can! I have two autistic boys 15 and 12. I’ve felt inadequate many of times. Our heart breaks when we don’t understand our childs needs or wants. Every meltdown, every episode of distress. We always want our babies to be “Ok” and happy. I hope 2018 brings you something wonderful for your family. I’ve come to know this is just our crazy life! They are our little treasures for a reason. Keep it up momma! I wish you the best and all the other mom’s with similiar situations. Bless you all ?

    1. This one is too! I don’t know if these were meant to be combined or if the system glitched, but I love them both! I rarely meet other moms of two ASD kids especially who are older, it’s nice to have someone with experience who has survived it! You really are an inspiration to me. You described my feelings so perfectly here, thank you so much for your heartfelt expressions and for reading and commenting, it means so much to me <3

  3. Thank you so much for posting this. I was starting to feel really alone in all of this and the emotions and feelings it can come with. You Truly helped me feel ALOT better due to more recent struggles with my little 5y/o Nv son

    1. I’m so glad you found me! It’s so hard! I can’t even tell you how much this comment means to me <3. My whole purpose for this blog was summed up in your honest and beautiful comment. Keep going Amanda. If there is one thing I've learned about us Special Needs Parents, it's that we NEVER give up. Whether we are walking through hell with them or sharing in their pure joy, we learn to keep going.

  4. Hang in there, momma! Thank you for being so honest. I think parenthood teaches us so much about control and lack thereof. It’s definitely repeated exercises in patience and above all, love. Be good to yourself. You’re doing the best you can in this moment with the tools you have available to you. <3

    1. Thanks for the beautiful comment, it is good to think about doing your best in the moment you’re in! Thanks for reading <3

  5. Reading this made me tear up. You may doubt yourself sometimes… We all do. Anyone reading this can tell you love your daughter dearly. You are one strong woman and mother!!

    1. Aw, thank you so much! Your comment made me tear up too! Thanks for reading and supporting me! I’m so grateful to have readers who are so supportive.

  6. Sweetie I just want to say you are doing a great job and all your kiddos are blessed to have you…. I am a mom to 2 boys with special needs. My oldest has Autism and my youngest has Autism, speech Apraxia and MIMD…. life can be so hard sometimes but at the end of the day I’m filled with a grateful heart that I have these amazing kiddos that teach me something new about myself everyday…

    1. Thank you! It’s so nice to hear from another special needs mama, you sound like a wonderful mother to your boys! They are so amazing. Thanks for reading and for the wonderful and supportive comment. 🙂

  7. Wow. Your post got me. My heart breaks for you. I wish I could wrap my arms around you and give you hug. You are enough and God has not left you. Lean into Him.

    1. Awe, Thank you so much!! It honestly feels like a hug! Thanks for the support and reading and commenting! I hug you back 🙂

  8. Being a mama in general is hard, so I can’t imagine doing it with to children with exceptional needs. Strength to you to navigate through this tough waters, and for a community to support you! <3

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