Sometimes I have a hard time feeling connected to my Little Miss Psychopath.
I feel like there are so many bad times where she is frustrated, and I am frustrated and we are both tired because neither of us had time for a nap that day. That day, there aren’t enough of those mom moments to get me through, you know? Like, it’s ok if your kid is a total monster the whole day, because, at some point you looked at them and got to see the look on their amazing little face while it learned something new, or you got to stare into their eyes while they said “I love you”, or they at some point pulled you by the hand to excitedly show you some crazy creation they made out of blocks, or blankets or play doh. That mom moment feeds you for the whole next crazy day when they are an absolute terror. Your mom psyche just keeps sending you back to that moment. This makes it easier to cope with the chaos that is ensuing around you as your horrendous brat pulls all their clothes out of their dresser.
But what about when you don’t get any of those amazing mom moments. What if week after week there is just chaos, and misbehaviour. Then at the end of the day, your little pre-schooler tells you that “your a meanie because it’s bedtime and bedtime is boring.” Yes, that is a quote from my darling Little Miss Psychopath :).
That next day and next week, all your thinking about is how horrible the day before was, and how your going to make it through another day of terror and chaos. Those mom moments only take you for so long, trust me. I ran into this problem a little while ago and one of our support workers had some great advice on how to make those mom moments last longer. So lately, when we have one of those moments, I find myself taking a picture or video of it. Then, when it’s been a week since the last one, I can replay it. Not in my head, because that version has deteriorated. All the times that week I’ve been screamed at, and called a meanie have chipped away at it. Now, I have a version untainted by all the frustrating times and memories. It gives me an opportunity to just remember, that under all that frustration and anger, there’s a beautiful little girl who is struggling and just wants to be hugged by her mama. I can go into her room, and scoop her up and hug her. Now I have created my own mom moment.
This flood of memory’s overtakes me every time I look into her wild green eyes. Memories of tears and laughter, of her hitting me and kissing me in the same ten second period. Memories of her birth and her growth, the first time I felt her move inside me. The first time we met, her first step and her first fall. Memories of her telling me that her eyes are green like mine and the look on her face of pure contentment to be somewhat like her mama, me.
She recorded this mom moment on her own for me. Ps. the grey tooth was from her falling and hitting her mouth on the stairs :(:( It turned white again though! Yay.
Swoon. That high will take me through to next week….